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Saturday, December 17, 2011

My letter to Santa

Dear Santa,


I'm a giver as you know so this year I'd like most of my Christmas wishes to be all about the needy, down on their luck, impoverished, and mentally unstable. Yes, I mean my friends! How did you know?

For Christmas this year I'd like more new guards.

Yes, my Royal House of Bitches loop ladies have already worn out the ones you gave me last year! Greedy wenches!! You don't want to know what condition I found them in after Nic Austin and Eve Savage finished with them. Needless to say I know the two poster girls for your naughty list! They already come equipped with inmate numbers and orange jumpsuits. Eve especially likes cavity searches!

I'd also like my pretty shiny Royal scepter back from Elece Payne Farberov. The sneaky minx stole it in Ohio. (stolen/given) Would you mind giving Cassandra McGuire a new appendix? The warranty ran out on her last one & was repoed. For Desiree Holt I'd like it a lot if you could find her memory. She can't remember where she left it. Brenna Zinn asked if she could get a clue, so I'd like to request she get one.


Samantha Cayto once asked a freaking minute of peace and quiet. Would you mind giving her the minute full of freaks? Also Sam requested the stupid people on the planet be given their own island. I second that and also ask that you actually move them there. Leaving it to them would not result in rainbows & puppies.
I'm not done yet, Santa, so please quit rubbing your heart and muttering "take me, take me please". It's not very polite. After all I'm just trying to give back like you've always nagged...er I mean asked me to.
**clearing throat**
Now for Margie. She needs her sanity which she said she lost last October and hasn't seen a glimpse of it since. *blinking eyes innocently** What do you mean my fault, Santa? Really how rude!
Cerise Deland asked for things I'm sure Eve would be better able to provide. Things my innocent young royal mind can in no way understand or comprehend. Though I do recommend getting her the oak St. Andrew's cross because the cheap ply wood break with only a good wack or two.


Yes, Santa there is something else. Each of my Royal House of Bitches ladies (no, it's not an oxymoron)would like a Caveman under her bed. Yes, bed not tree. No, I'm not explaining it just deal or else I'll start sending pics of the guards in the after condition. The problem here is I have more ladies (quit laughing...did you just pee on yourself, Santa? Ughhh) Anyway there are more FEMALES then guards even tossing in my gently used ones. Big thanks, Nic & Eve, I said break them in not break them! Santa, how do you feel about a little temporary cloning as I know Alec is pretty popular & I know once Brenna finishes with him...well he'll have grown wiser and more sarcastic.


A new padded wing to the palace, not for me of course, but for those guards and ladies who tap dance a little to close to the sanity line. More ugly guards too. Elece needs to learn to share and trolls make nice jailers too.

So Santa dear, these are my wishes this year. As you tell I'm all about the giving this year and as a result I'll expect the rest of my more...private wishes to be taken care of as well. Thank you, dear old fellow, for taking the time to visit with me and for taking pity on the RHB.


Sincerely,
Princess Allie


Ruler of the Sparkly Kingdom
P.S. Don't forget the batteries!!

13 comments:

  1. Get a clue... I got your clue right here.

    So glad to see you're rolling in the Christmas spirit. Which spirit would that be? Choco wine or vodka?

    Keep drinking, my sparkling friend. I'll visit you at the funny farm before Christmas day. I promise.

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  2. Nice Christmas list. I hope Santa brings everybody what they need this year.

    Happy Holiday!

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  3. Awesome Christmas list Princess Allie :D

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  4. Great Christmas list - very generous of you.

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  5. That is pretty freakin' hilarious!! I love your list.

    Yvonne
    Ntxgrll@gmail.com

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  6. I'm pretty sure the ladies of your Royal House of Bitches said they wanted Cavemen IN their beds, not under them. For that matter, why just one?

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  7. Wonderful post, Allie, Thanks so much for sharing all of the really important people in your life .. Merry Christmas

    The Sherry

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  8. Dalton, I should have known you'd be greedy enough to want ALL of them :) Thanks everyone for the comments! I'll announce the winner on Monday so look in your email & on my facebook page!

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  9. I read this outloud to my husband and we both had a good laugh.

    Janice~

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  10. HEY THAT SOUND LIKE MY LIST ALL I WANTED WS BEAR AND MORE BEAR AND BOOKS GALORE
    HEY I M NOT THAT PICKY
    DESI THE BLONE2MSN.COM
    PS ALL SO BRING ME NEW TREE

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  11. Yep, I'm late but I blame the school district for letting kids roam free this week & next. So without further blathering....the winner is Janice Seagraves! Congrats!

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  12. Thank you, Allie.

    I look forward to reading your book. :)

    Janice~

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