Follow Allie By E-Mail

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Christmas Turkey Battle!

I love this time of the year mostly because food contains no calories in the month of December. Really, I'm sure there a study being done somewhere to prove this very important point. Most people will go on and on about the importance of being surrounded by friends and family. Me? I drink more thanks to said friends and family. Then I hide out in the darkest corner and wait for the mentally impaired to leave. Yeah, I'm not all that fluffy or jolly after hours surrounded by family. However, I honestly love hanging out with the short crowd. The 5-13 age bracket are my favorite, old enough to know what's going on & still young enough to believe.
So while the 'adults' are doing the coffee thing and trying to one up each other with their yearly news letters I hang with the ankle bitters. Before Christmas we take the presents, stack them up by name, then by size and finally by sound. It's fun and makes me feel like a kid again.
Once many moons ago as a innocent, pure and sweet soul of fourteen or fifteen I wanted to surprise my parents. My surprise, you ask? Cooking the turkey for Christmas! Yep, it was a brillant idea even though I'd never cooked one before. I thought how hard could it possibly be? Ahh the stupidity of the young :)
There it was a big twenty pound turkey in all its frozen glory. The time period to cook the bird was short. My parents worked so I had to get it done before they arrived home from work. As an astoundingly creative teen I thought of the perfect way to defrost my monstrous bird. Yank open the door on the dishwasher & stuff it in. Smart girl I am I pressed the gentle cycle, tossed the white frozen bundle in, hipped checked it closed & patted myself on the back.
Ten minutes into my amazing plan the dishwasher bucked, jerked and clucked. Yep, I thought the bird was fighting back. I rip open the door only to find bent metal and a still frozen bird. Obliviously not strong enough to conquer my turkey I grabbed it from the dishwasher and spun around waiting for brillance to strike again.
WHAM! Lighting bolts!! I rush to the laundry room & stood debating. Washer or dryer?? Hot water would defrost the bird faster. So off to poor innocent machine I went. Only to discover my bird wouldn't fit. Shoving, pushing, & slicking it with Snuggle fabric softener didn't help either. Hey, the thing was wrapped in pastic what could it hurt? Giving up that particular fork in the road I decided maybe the dryer was the answer after all. After flinging open the door I popped the now slightly mangled bird in and slammed the door shut. Set the heat timer to medium and hit the start button with an angry jab. The battle had now become personal! Me against the dead bird and so far the bird was winning.
I waited impatiently, listening to the thunk thunk of the drum as it connected to the frozen fowl. Everything going according to my masterplan! I walked away feeling triumphant and victorious! Just as I crossed the threshold the once seemingly innocuous dryer went postal. It bucked, groaned and hit the ground so hard I thought the floor would crack. Fearing my mother's reaction should I break the dryer (I was hoping to blame the dishwasher on my brother) I ran across the room, hit the power button and nothing happen. The dryer was alive and PISSED! Terror became my new name as I punched the damn button over and over again with no different results. Finally as my heart rate tripled I reached behind the now moaning monster and yanked out it's life blood. The electric cord! and all at once silence descended until the door popped open revealing my STILL frozen dead bird!
A smart person would have admitted defeat. A smart person would have already called and confessed her sins. A smart person would have packed a bag and hit the road before her mother came home to the destruction and possible death of two major appliances. I however am not a smart person. As I said this was war. The bird would not beat me. It would not be put back in the giant outside freezer only to mock me to the other frozen foods. I'd never be able to look another Popsicle in the face.
Time to pull the big girl panties up and show the turkey I meant business. Wrapping each hand in two oven mitts apiece (cause by now I'm thinking the bird just might still be alive and possessed) I take it to the ultimate destination for death. My mom's brand new microwave! A device bought only a few weeks ago in honor of the upcoming holiday and all the impending guests. Yes, I thought to myself, this machine so shiny and with so many fun buttons, would conquer my opponent.
Feeling smug and pretty proud of myself I shove the bird in, slam the door closed before turkey could try to make a break for it and hit the high power button then start.
Oh yeah, this was so going to work. I wanted to pat myself on the back. I wanted to crow with my vicious victory. I wanted to rub my brother and sister's faces in my brillance and all the brownie points cooking this bird would get me. Mentally I ignored the other destruction I'd left in my wake. Thinking about it would have interfered with my victory lap around the kitchen island. Some time around the second boogie lap I head the strangest noise. A pop, kind of quiet so maybe I didn't really hear anything? A litter slower now, but still dancing and rejoicing I continued to Snoopy Dance my way around the room.
Then it happened. The turkey came back for revenge! I'd just made a pass around the microwave when all hell broke loose. The door flew open, the turkey flew out headed right where my dancing self had been two seconds before, but instead of hitting me the bird soared across the room, smashed into the opposite wall and came bounding back. It crashed into the not so new looking microwave then finally thankfully tumbled to the floor, smoking. When the smoke finally cleared I saw bits and pieces of turkey meat littering the kitchen floor and me. Covered head to toe in turkey guts I looked around at the destruction, stunned and suddenly very very afraid.
My once oh so brillant plan lay smoking and popping at my feet and there wasn't a single sibling in the house to blame. Needless to say my mother had a few choice words for me even as I tried to defend myself. Somehow "the turkey made me do it" didn't fly with her and I was stuck as her kitchen slave for the next month. My father took one look at the room and quickly left, hiding in his office with the TV on...LOUD. Only in later years would I learn he'd hidden himself away so quickly because he'd burst out laughing.
It's a story that gets told every year at Christmas time around my family. It always starts with "You remember the time Allie started a war with the frozen turkey & the turkey won?"
To this day I reply "The victor ended up eaten by the dog, didn't he?"

I wish you a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, holiday or whatever you wish celebrate this time of year. Enjoy those who love you and those you love. Learn to tolerate or ignore those you don't.

Until next time

Kudos,
Allie

Oh yes, forgot to mention head over to http://blissemas.co.uk for a chance to win a KINDLE!! Fun, huh?

30 comments:

  1. Oh, what a tale to be told! I giggled all the way through at your misfortune, evil aren't I? *chuckles* Thank you so much for starting Blissemas off with a bang! Also folks, make sure you leave a comment and check out http://blissemas.co.uk because you could win a Kindle this Blissemas!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have one word for any future Christmas menus - ham! Seriously, you need to post a warning at the beginning of this posting - before reading, make sure you empty your bladder and do not drink while trying to read. If I hadn't just gone, I would have been literally roflpmp. After reading this, I now understand previous comments about your lack of cooking prowess. Just so you don't feel so bad, my Mom once set fire to a muffin in the microwave. Back when they first came out, she wanted to reheat a bran muffin at breakfast. She set the dial for 3 minutes and hit start. I tried to tell her that was way too long but what did I know at age 13. It beeped and she went to take it out and it was smoking. She grabbed a hot pad, took it to the sink and when she broke it open, there were little flames in the center! She never did live that one down.

    Deanna

    PS - I guess I shouldn't tell you that I cooked my first solo turkey dinner, including pies, at age 12? We were building a house, needed to feed the framing crew, it was summer and Mom was working. All she had to do was toss the salad when she got home from work. Dinner was delicious. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh WOW! That is QUITE a vicious battle, Allie! Thanks for telling the tale! Thankfully I do not have a similar tale to share ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh what a brilliant Christmas tale! I thought I was bad making my mum a cup of tea by putting the teabags in the kettle...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lovely story, Allie. Here's mine...

    We have the most wonderful neighbour. We call him the lord of the manor. He lives at the top of the hill and we live in his shadow at the bottom. Every day he drives past and waves. Sometimes he stops and leaves a carrier bag full of goodies on the wall for us. Usually its produce from his garden. Sometimes its homemade blackberry wine – and potent stuff it was, too. Last Christmas he stopped and asked us if we wanted a Christmas tree. ‘Yes, please,’ I said, and he pointed to the forest of them growing on the side of the hill that leads up to his house. The fact that we had to cut it ourselves just made the gift even more special. But the most memorable gift of all was a couple of years ago when he presented us with a live turkey.

    If you think I’m going to tell you the story about how we chased it round the garden for hours and when we eventually caught it we couldn’t bear to kill it so we kept it as a pet, you’d be wrong - so if you’re squeamish you should look away now...

    No, it’s ok, we didn’t really kill it. Truth was, neither us could have faced eating something that had walked into the garden on its own legs so we gave it to the local butcher in exchange for a frozen one.

    The next time I passed the butchers shop I couldn't look at the turkeys hanging by their feet from the rack.

    ReplyDelete
  6. OMG Allie I about fell off the couch from laughing so hard. If I came home to find my daughter in the middle of a turkey-splosion i would probably laugh. I wouldn't be able to be mad because I would be on the floor laughing. That is a GREAT story! Love it Allie!

    Merry Christmas Princess!
    Jordan

    ReplyDelete
  7. OMG, Allie!

    My stomach hurts. From laughing, not eating too much.

    I can hardly believe your mother didn't murder you. You must have a fabulous family.

    ReplyDelete
  8. What a funny story! It's almost like my mother's story of her first attempt at cooking while my grandma was at the hospital. Only in her case it was a live chicken, and she barely won the war with the hatchet, forgot to pluck the feathers and left the feet with it...lol....I'm sure your siblings never let you live it down and that your dad had a really good laugh for years over it. I'm guessing your mom gave you cooking lessons after this...lol

    Happy Holidays!

    ReplyDelete
  9. It sounds like your mother forgot that "it's the thought that counts." Youch! That was an expensive thought though.

    Thanks for the laugh, it made me feel better about undercooking our Thanksgiving turkey AGAIN. (Down to just around the joints though, getting better.)

    Anne

    ReplyDelete
  10. LOL!! Now that's a turkey tale for ya! Wow!

    I feel like you do about enjoying the 'ankle bitters' more than the adults. A full glass of wine does take the edge off. Ha ha!

    Happy Holidays, Allie! :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Poor turkey! And poor you. Gotta love those kid stories.

    ReplyDelete
  12. LOL, love it love it love it!

    But what a great reason to head for a movie on Christmas Day!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh, what a great post; I enjoyed reading it.

    Thanks for the contest.
    Tracey D

    ReplyDelete
  14. Good lord, Allie! I'll remember for the future: buy only FRESH turkeys in case my kids get adventurous ;)

    This is such a great start to Blissemas!

    Maria-Claire

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh my heavens, that is a priceless story! You should be proud that your legend will live on after you're gone! I admire your cooking creativity as a teen and you came close to making it work, right.?

    joderjo402 AT gmail DOT com

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thanks for the great comments, everyone. Yep, my family makes sure I'm out of the kitchen & even the house when the holidays start. It's sad, but true that no one trusts me alone in with cooking appliances.

    ReplyDelete
  17. They should know better than to leave you at home alone without your helmet on!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Personally, I love your ingenious thinking: the dishwasher? The washer? The dryer? Thanks, Allie. I needed this laugh today.

    ReplyDelete
  19. That was one clever turkey to damage all those appliances & leave you holding the bag.

    drainbamaged.gyzmo at gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  20. Absolutely brilliant!!! Thanks for this.

    marypres(AT)gmail(DOT)com

    ReplyDelete
  21. Congrats, flchen1, you've won your choice of my Christmas stories!! Email me at Allie@alliestandifer.com with your choice!!

    Thanks again everyone for starting off the Christmas season with a bang!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Funny story! Thanks for a good evening chuckle!

    books4me67 at ymail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  23. Great post! Thanks for sharing!
    shadowluvs2read(at)gmail(dot)com

    ReplyDelete
  24. me i do not cook i burn every thing i am eating tv dinner fr xmas

    ReplyDelete
  25. LOL, which is why I always get my meat FRESH to avoid such problems!

    ReplyDelete
  26. this is so much fun, thank you for the post. i am having a ball.

    klmc_37@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh man, that was just priceless, Allie. They worst turkey dinner oops I made was to cook the crazy bird with the giblet package still inside. Totally gross.

    caity_mack at yahoo dot com

    ReplyDelete
  28. Great post! I have to admit that I have never attempted to cook a turkey. My cooking skills are limited, which I freely admit so I leave this for other, more capable hands.
    Have a good Christmas!
    manning_j2004 at yahoo dot com

    ReplyDelete
  29. I laughed so hard I cried! I think we all have a story about frozen turkeys, but yours is the best ever.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Allie you are one crazy girl! I never learned to cook til I was 18 and had too so I feel you! haha christina_92 at yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete